“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.”
—Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
The phone rang as I was getting ready to go to sleep.
“I want you to know that I’m more vulnerable than I seem,” she said. “I can be hurt easily and if you ever want to stop seeing each other, all I ask is that you tell me. Don’t just stop calling.” Wow. That’ll wake you up.
Some people consider vulnerability a state or situation wherein one is able to be hurt and is therefore a weakness to be avoided. I think a lot of divorced people find themselves there. But vulnerability is better characterized as a choice we make to intentionally allow ourselves to be open and able to be hurt so that, as Dr. Brown asserts, we can taste life and love more richly.
My wife Laura made this choice while we were dating. We were both in the aftermath of painful occurrences. Mine was the death of my first wife the previous year. Hers was a very unpleasant divorce following which she told herself that she would never again allow herself to be emotionally hurt by a man.
Fortunately for me—and us—she changed her mind and I received that phone call. I was very touched by her openness, especially considering the pain of her divorce and told her so. I also said that if it was OK with her, I’d be sticking around for a while. So far, it’s been over 10 years and we still feel the magic.
Laura made a decision to forego her previous conviction of abandoning vulnerability. She did not do so lightly. We had connected emotionally and were allowing ourselves to feel love again with all the joy and potential pain that love involves. Because tearing down the walls of inhibition and surrendering our shell means that we have chosen to be open and vulnerable to someone else. Love is vulnerability and love is surrender to someone we have come to trust. There’s really no other way to get there.
BTW, if you haven’t heard—or heard of—Dr. Brene Brown, you must watch her two TED talks on vulnerability, shame, and courage. You can find them here andhere. Best to view them in that order. She’s also written two books: The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly. You should read them. You really should.